Late Night Electric Watermelon

I was riding on the tube
And the chick was being rude
She got up in my face
With her Chavvy attitude
As the doors were opening
And I got up to leave
I called her a loser
She said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a gay, black, thirty-something
One-legged, blind, midget pole-dancer
With a tumor
And I said
Sorry

Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala

Now, I was standing in this shop
And this jerk-o jumped the queue
I tapped him on the shoulder
Said what do you think you are doing?
He laughed and he sneered
And for everyone to see
I called him a prick
He said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a deaf, bi, Asian, teenager Albino
Hindu, dancer instructor with a lisp
And I said
Oh Thorry

I’m walking down the road
And I come up to this crossing
Some munchkin in a car
Thought that I was only dossing
And so when I went to cross
He didn’t stop and nearly hit me
I called him a twat
He said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a mute
And I said
Pardon

That’s the trouble with the world today
You’ve got to be so careful
About everything you say
I should keep my mouth shut
That’s the safest bet
If I’ve offended you already
You ain’t seen nothing yet

I got home really late
And my girlfriend she was griping
And I was so annoyed
I couldn’t take anymore sniping
She flew into a rage
And threw a slipper at me
She called me an asshole
I said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m
A
Short, cross-eyed, braces wearing,
Pimply, ginger, virgin,
Spineless, mental chap, with a limp, yeah

Cause
I’m a web-fingered, bald, Italian, Chinese, muslim
With alopecia and really bad breath, yeah

Cause
I’m a lonely single father
With a pin in his hip
Ex-army, cross-dresser in a turban,

I’m a single Scottish poet
Who is too old for TV
I’m stupid
I’m fat
And I’m ugly

And she said
Blah blah
Blah blah blah blah

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